good or bad??

reflecting on the past half a year, sometimes i wonder whether things will be better if i had stayed in singapore... i mean, life is good for me in portugal... but looking at the other side of the coin, would life be better for me back in my little heaven?

academically-wise...
catarina, the portugese phd student taking some modules together with me, was like so shocked when she learnt that i gave up my phd studies in singapore to come over to portugal for this program... she was like:" you gave up your phd for this??" this...referring to the #@##@##@#@ coursework that we have in class...

of course, if i have remained in singapore, i should be preparing for my stint in UIUC (university of illinois) in the US this coming june/ july.... hmmm... come to think about it, the idea of doing part of my studies in US is not that bad an idea... but to sign a bond with A*star for 3 years isnt a very comforting prospect... hahaha... talking about being tied-down...

and the idea of being addressed as "dr chua" is good too....

but at that time in my life (last july), i wasnt too sure of what i want to do in life... research / entering the acedamic field for the rest of my life?? then again, i still dont know what i want... like what a professor in NTU told me:" when i was your age, freshly out of school, i didnt know my path for the future too..."

and the idea of being fully independent and the opportunity to experience life in europe eventually convinced me to take up this erasmus mundus scholarship... err... wasnt a "conventional" path i would say... to give up the comforts of home and everything for a shot at the unknown, uncertainty that come with the scholarship... well... i have not regretted coming over to europe... well... errr....ernnn... except for the times when i was, and still am, faced with so much facts to study and not knowing where and how to start.... which is exactly the case now....

career-wise....
oh, studying = no career... when most of my friends are working hard at forging out their career paths, here i am... still a student at age of 26, which is still going to be the case until end of 2008... by then, my peers would have accumulated lots of savings, CPF, investments and sitting somewhere in the middle of their companies' hierchary... i mean, life is not about money... but admit it, money is the only currency in life now... so to fall behind by 2 years would mean lots of catching up to do... and in singapore, a society ruled by success and cars one drive, this is a lot...

personal life-wise....
no doubt about it, this is a doubled-edged sword.... friendships are forged with people from all parts of the world... now i can say that i have had friends from africa, america, south america, various parts of asia and most definitely, europe... hmmm... maybe 10 years down the road, we could just meet up again in singapore, given the mobility of the work force nowadays... a good example will be leandro... who started out as my portugese landlord, and over time, that relationship evolved into something more concrete... a friend whom i believe i can always count on anytime....

how many people out there can boast that they have been in multiple countries for extended periods of time, experienced interacting with the locals and understanding the way of life in different countries... errr... in this case, travelling is not a really good example of cultural exchange... since it's more of a touch-&-go situation....

learning to work with people from different cultures... sometimes i do get really frustrated when things dont go according to how i expected it... i will be like:" in singapore, they will be shot for doing things this way" but i have to understand (which i am trying hard to do so now) that maybe thats the way how people do certain things in their own respective countries... like what leandro said: "you have the right to be pissed, but dont lose your head, focus on the main objective"... see previous blog entries for my "explosive" encounters with certain people....

but there are things that i lose out too....

there are times when i wished that i can spend more time with my family, especially for my younger brother who is 14 years of age now... its difficult for him, since mom is no longer around since he was only four.... and i wondered many a times, whether i should have been there by his side more often... somehow i feel that he is no longer as close to me as before, and although this is expected since he is in his teens, but i would expect him to come to me for advice when in need, which is not happening... either that, or i dont even realise that he needs help.... all that i can hope for now is that he will be able to grow up fine and proper...

as for my dad... man, its difficult too... to leave him all alone at home... he is not the kind of person who knows how to take care of himself... he loves us to bits, but he "mistreats" himself... thats what i think... coming home after a hard day of work and all he got for himself for dinner is just instant noddles... at least when i am at home, i try to ensure that he eats proper meals... and with old age comes lonliness... i do wonder how he manage to "survive" the last 10 years.... when he is alone at our new (then) house with no one... me staying with my aunt whereas my 2 brothers stayed with my granny... after which was followed by 2.5 years of NS then university... just when i thought that i could get a job and help him with the payment of the house, along came this scholarship...

my other brother who is 24 years old this year... hahahah... he is the mature one at home (looks and behavior)... thats why people always thought of me as the middle child... oh man, that guy... someone whom i dont have to worry.... getting married soon i supposed, bought a car and a house... having absolutely no debts to clear.... ahhaha... stable job... getting a part-time degree... what else can i say...

my granny... always there for all of us... think she is hoping that i get married immediately after graduation... too bad, i am a disappointment to her... joking of course, luckily my cousin and soon... my bro... helps to relieve the "pressure"...

split between things i wanna do and things i ought to do, i chose the former... its not easy for me, but i just hope that things will eventually work out smoothly...

conclusion: things are never what you expect them to turn out.... never know what may just happen in the near future, but never-look-back is something i believe in... to do that represents a step backwards... it's time i grow up....